


You Little Shit

by alanabloom



Series: Monster Verse [1]
Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F, fluff on fluff on fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-05
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-16 05:09:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2256990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alanabloom/pseuds/alanabloom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brief, fluffy piece to ease the transition between lengthy angst fics. This is a complete whim, and probably the only time I'll ever write this trope/genre for these two (I say that as I come up with lots of headcanon to go along with this universe).  I don't even want to say anything else.  Just enjoy.</p><p>Canon compliant with the end of season two, just fast forward a few years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Little Shit

**Visit 1**

"Vause!" Startled, Alex lifts her eyes from the Scrabble board, where Nicky's about to make a move, to see Bell waiting impatiently. "Got a visitor."

Alex and Nicky exchange surprised looks. "Chapman finally back?"

"Guess so." Alex rolls her eyes a little, hiding her utter relief at this development. "Finish later?"

Nicky nods, smirking. "I know I can't compete."

Alex stands and follows Bell to the visitation room.

Piper's been out for a year and a half, and until the last month and a half, she'd come faithfully to Litchfield, every single Saturday and an extra for holidays. It's a strange, undefined continuation of the relationship they'd settled into the last four months before Piper was released.  
At first Alex just assumed Piper was reluctant to give their reconciliation up because it had been so hard won, and she'd been steeling herself for the moment Piper stopped showing up or, even worse, showed up and announced she was back together with Larry or some equivalent.

But Piper kept coming, kept sending packages full of books and snacks and nail polish. Even in her recent absence, her letters have only increased, and though she's failed to provide an explanation, she's promised to explain as soon as she could come back.

Alex isn't overly curious as to the reason; she's never really curious about what Piper has going on outside.

She's just glad she's here.

Until she strolls into the visiting room and sees Piper, settled at her usual tables with a baby on her lap.

Piper stands up, smiling sheepishly in greeting, but Alex is frozen in place. Her mind goes into panicked, angry overdrive for about thirty seconds before she realizes that, okay, time may move at a snail's pace in prison, but she _had_ only seen Piper seven weeks ago, and she definitely wasn't pregnant. And anyway, that... _thing_ she's holding doesn't look brand new.

Slowly, she moves toward Piper, who reaches her free arm out to hug like this is a normal visit, but Alex leans away from the touch. "What the ever living fuck is this?"

Piper exhales slowly. "Alex, this is Max."

She's got this expectant look on her face like she wants Alex to shake his tiny ass hand or something. Alex just blinks at her. "Whose is he?"

Piper smiles. "He's mine."

"You have a _baby_? Like, what, you just swung by Bergdorf's and picked one up?"

A guard yells at them to sit down, and when they're settled down on opposite ends of the table, Piper explains, "I adopted him."  She seems different: hardy any make up, hair in a messy ponytail, but absolutely beaming at every opportunity. "He's seven and a half months old, now...he was put into the foster system when his birthmother died. I'd been working with an adoption agency for most of last year, but Polly had a friend who's a social worker, so..." Piper shrugs, like the rest of it, the 'oh by the way I have a baby' bit, is self-explanatory.

Alex eyes the kid, sitting peacefully on Piper's lap suckling on a bottle. She scowls slightly, "You didn't think you should mention this?"

"It can take a really long to adopt," Piper says matter-of-factly. "I didn't see the point. And anyway..." She trails off, then hesitantly adds, "Am I supposed to just pause my life until you get out? You've still got _years_ left, Alex."

Her scowl turns into something more dangerous. "You want to go there?"

Piper glares back. "You want to break the rules?" _The_ _rules_ being their agreement to stop bringing up past wrongs to score points over each other. Forgiveness was meant to be permanent.

Which was a lot easier to say when Piper was still in Litchfield.

Piper sighs, tone conciliatory. "Look. This doesn't change anything for you. I still want us to be...whatever we are."

Alex had taken recent issue with Piper's use of the word _girlfriend_ , not because she didn't want that, but because it didn't seem to describe two people who merely hugged twice a week.

"I'm still gonna come visit every week," Piper says.

"With _him_?" Alex asks, speaking as though the baby is someone who had personally offended her in the past.

 _"Yes._ Package deal." Piper smiles fondly down at her son (Oh, god, her _son_ ), pressing her lips to the back of his head. "This is something I've wanted for a long time, Alex. And I finally figured out I don't need it to happen in the traditional, suburban approved way my parents expect. I can do it all on my own."

The final words touch a nerve somewhere around Alex's chest, but she just shrugs, poker faced. "Okay. Good. I'm glad you're happy."

But she's broody and quiet for the rest of the day after the visit; Nicky approaches her with an expression of exaggerated concern. "Uh-oh. What happened? Chapman got herself a man?"

Alex lets out a humorless bark of a laugh. "Yeah, actually."

Nicky's smirk drops. "Shit. Really? I was just fucking with you." She places a sympathetic hand on Alex's shoulder. "Sorry, Vause. Straight girls are trouble."

Alex sighs. "Trust me. That's not the problem."

 

* * *

 

**Visit 2**

Nicky seems to have no qualms about spreading Piper's joyful news, and the rumor mill churns effectively as ever, so when she shows up the following Saturday, the visitation room becomes a popular destination.

Lorna and Nicky show up first, standing on the other side of the glass window, waving merrily. Piper seems happy to see them, mouthing silent greetings and lifting the baby's pudgy little arm to wave back.

Alex turns, gritting her teeth and glaring in their direction, but they stay where they are. A few others wander by soon after: Poussey and Taystee and even Red, pretending to be entirely disinterested in the spectacle of an adorable infant.

"I'm glad my humiliation is so entertaining for everyone," Alex mutters petulantly.

Piper gives her a dry, indulgent look. "My son is your humiliation?"

"My girlfriend showing up with a baby and a super casual, _Surprise! I'm a Mom now!_ is my humiliation," Alex corrects.

She regrets the phrasing instantly, sure Piper's about to smugly remind her of her own hesitance about putting a label on whatever-they-are, but instead Piper just frowns thoughtfully and eventually nods. "Fair enough. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." The surprise at this easily won apology has barely settled before Piper adds, much more Piper-like, "But I knew I was going to do it either way. So it wouldn't have made a difference."

"Great." Alex folds her arms, feeling unmistakably sulky. The baby is staring at her and chewing on his own fists.  Gross.

"You want to hold him?" Piper asks.

" _No_ ," Alex answers, appalled at the very suggestion.

"Fine." Piper shifts the baby on her lap, and he fists his sticky hands on her shirt, big eyes still trained on Alex, oddly solemn in his tiny red beanie and overalls over a striped onesie.

"So, c'mon. We didn't talk much about you last week -"

"Well, you kind of trumped any prison gossip I might have accumulated."

Piper ignores that. "So catch me up. How's everything?"

"Oh, it's been a riot. Party every day."

"Okay, you don't have to be such a baby."

The actual baby makes a smug, gurgling noise. Alex glares at him.

 

* * *

 

**Visit 4**

 

"...Cal absolutely loves to play with him, though. He's trying to convince Neri they should start trying."

"Uh-huh," Alex wonders idly if this is all they're going to talk about from now on.

"Mom thinks it'll finally make them move to an actual apartment, but I'm pretty sure he's set on raising the kid in the woods..." Piper's voice trails off, her face scrunching oddly. The baby's on her lap, occupied with a colorful, plastic contraption punctuating their conversation with annoying beeps and rattles. "Yikes. Hold on, I need to go change him."

"What, are you serious?"

Piper shoots a challenging look, looping the diaper bag over her shoulder. "You want to smell?"

Alex tightens her jaw. "You know they're gonna kick you out in like ten minutes."

"This'll take two at most. Promise."

She walks off, the monster draped over her shoulder, staring at the sad spectacle of Alex alone at a prison visitation table. He grips a bundle of Piper's hair, which strikes Alex as oddly possessive.

 

* * *

 

 

**Visit 8**

"...so they're on an off again period. Which means Nicky's doing the prison slut thing and is still in a terrible fuckin' mood - "

" _Alex_." Piper gives a pointed look at the baby.

"Oh, c'mon. What's he going to do, repeat it?"

"He's starting to be able to understand words."

Alex rolls her eyes. "You read that in a baby book?"

Smiling smugly, Piper nods. "Several, actually."

"You used to have such interesting taste." She eyes the baby warily. "And anyway, you're telling me you don't curse anymore?"

"I'm working on it." She arches an eyebrow. "I've started to refer to you as _that jerkface we visit_ instead of, y'know." She covers the kid's ears and mouths _asshole_.

Alex _almost_ laughs.

 

* * *

 

 

**Visit 11**

The little brat won't stop fussing.

He's been babbling and whimpering the whole visit, all nonsense syllables and the occasional _Ma-Ma_ , bored with every toy Piper hands him.

"Sorry," Piper gives Alex an apologetic look. "I'm going to run to the vending machine, see if they have something he can snack on."

Before Alex can point out how ridiculous the notion is that there would be anything baby appropriate in the vending machine, or that Piper almost definitely has options in her Mary Poppins sized diaper bag, the kid is being thrust at her, and her only option is to take him or let him fall to the floor.

Piper walks off, leaving Alex with her hands tucked under the monster's armpits. His face is screwed up unpleasantly, and he huffs out a whine.

Alex sets his butt on the edge of the table, keeping her hands wrapped around his tiny rib cage. She gives him a very serious look. "Listen, you little shit. You get her twenty four hours a day, all the time. I get _one hour_ , once a week. I'm gonna need you to be cool."

He gives a gummy little baby smile, smacking a tiny hand pointlessly against Alex's nose.

Defiant little bastard.

Piper takes her sweet ass time pouring over the vending machine options before miraculously remembering she has a sippy cup full of Cheerios in the diaper bag.

Relieved, Alex tries to hand the baby back, but Piper shakes her head. "No, way, he's actually smiling. I'm not rocking this boat."

"What am I supposed to do with him?"

Piper grins. "Nothing. Max is pretty low maintenance."

"He hit me."

At that, Piper laughs out loud. "Yeah, Al, he's incredibly violent." She goes quiet, propping her chin on her hand, watching Alex holding her son with an annoyingly content smile. Then out of nowhere, she starts giggling again.

" _What_?"

"I just can't believe you tattled on a ten month old."

 

* * *

 

 

**Visit 16**

Piper lets go at the requisite 'end of hug' time - now crappy, one armed hugs since she has to hold the damn kid - but instead of sitting down right away, she shifts Max on her hip and juts him toward Alex. "Can you give Alex a hug?"

His tiny arms do some approximation of strangling Alex's neck, and Piper moves him even closer so he can press his face against Alex's cheek, slobbering. She swipes her cheek against the shoulder of her khaki scrubs when he pulls away.

 

* * *

 

 

**Visit 18**

Piper keeps orchestrating ways to get Max on Alex's lap. Her glasses are apparently better than any of his toys, and it's a constant scuffle of possessiveness.

"Give 'em, you little monster," Alex admonishes, prying his hands off the lens and shoving her glasses up her nose for the fifteenth time this visit.

Max makes a smacking sound with his lips, then sneezes. He touches his fingers to his nose, experimentally.

Alex looks at him solemnly. "You are gross."

Piper just laughs.

 

* * *

 

**Visit 23**

"Where's the kid?"

Piper lifts her eyebrows and makes a smug face. "You sound disappointed. That's unexpected."

"I'm _not_ disappointed," Alex assures Piper as she pulls her into a hug, brushing her lips against the curve of her cheekbone. "I just almost didn't recognize you without him attached."

"He's with my mom," Piper explains as she takes her usual seat across the table. She grins. "And you're totally disappointed."

 

* * *

 

 

**Visit 31**

"Awex!" Max wiggles against Piper's hip until she sets him down, letting him toddle unsteadily over to Alex, pull at her leg.

"Oh, I see, he gets the first hug now?" Piper asks, but she's smiling too wide to sustain the mock anger as Alex lifts the little boy up and lets him vine his arms around her neck.

"Don't listen to her, Max Monster. She's just jealous." Alex kisses the side of his head then passes him back to Piper, who gives her an awkward side hug.

Piper and Max sit across the table, and Piper starts to unpack a few toys to occupy him as usual, but Max scrambles off her lap, keeping one hand on the table as he walks around to Alex.

He lifts his arms to be picked up, and Alex obliges, rolling her eyes for show. Max cranes his neck, blinking up at her under long, dark eyelashes, expression hopeful. "Wead?"

Alex throws Piper a startled look. " _Weed_? As in..." She mimes smoking a joint.

Piper snorts. "You've been in prison too long. He wants you to read to him." She pulls a picture book out of the bag, missing the flash of a glare Alex shoots her.

Alex accepts the book and spreads it open on the table, turning Max on her lap so he can run his hands happily over the pages. In an ostentatiously serious voice, Alex begins, "Once upon a time, Max, your mommy lived here, in prison, like I do. And she was all alone, and she didn't like that much."

"Alex..."

"So she decided to call Davey Crockett - and no, not the one you're thinking of Max - to get me thrown back in jail with her."

" _Alex_."

"And I was super super mad about it at first. It's kind of awesome of me that I'm not still mad about it, actually, considering that now I'm the one who lives here all alone."

"Stop turning my child against me."

 

* * *

 

 

**Visit 52**

Max is driving an orange Hot Wheels car over the slope of Alex's shoulder, then around her neck, so the car's driving upside down under her chin.

"Hey, Max Monster, that tickles!" Alex tightens her hold on him, her fingers dancing across his ribs. He erupts into peals of giggles, squirming in her arms.

"Awex, stop!" He shoves his head against her collarbone, pulling at her shirt and snuggling clumsily against her.

 

* * *

 

  **Visit 71**

 

"I don't wanna, I don't wanna, _I don't wanna_!"

" _Max_..." Piper hisses, glancing around the visitation room as people turn to look. Alex thinks about making fun of her for being embarrassed in a setting like this, but Max's arms are so tight it's hard to breathe, let alone talk. "C'mon, it's time to go."

" _Stay_ ," he hurls back defiantly.

"It's been an hour remember, buddy? The big hand went all the way around."

" _No_! Big hand _stay_."

"Ma'am..." One of the CO's says from across the room, and Alex nearly rolls her eyes. Sure, _now_ the guards will call Piper _ma'am_. Like they never called her _inmate_.

"I know, I know..." She waves a stressed, dismissive hand at him. "Max, how about we go get ice cream."

Rather than respond to this blatant bribe, Max bursts into immediate, pitiable tears.  He buries his face against Alex's neck, bawling.

Her chest constricts, and Alex stands up with no small degree of difficulty. Max is wiping his face against her, spreading snot and tears. Alex rubs his back comfortingly, then leans forward to whisper, "Hey, Max Monster, look at me."

The little boy lifts his head, chest heaving chaotically, his face smeared, looking like the world is ending.

"You know what, buddy? It's so freakin' boring in here...you know what I need you to do?" He shakes his head, sniffling. "I need you and your Mommy to go and have super fun adventures to come tell me about. Can you do that?"

Max screws up his face, seeming to consider the responsibility before finally, firmly nodding.

"That's my boy." Alex lightly kisses the tip of his nose, then passes him over to Piper. She frowns when she sees Piper's face; she's chewing on her lower lip, eyes unnaturally bright. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she says softly, taking Max back in her arms. He leans his head on her shoulder, exhausted. "Yeah, I'm good."

 

* * *

 

**Visit 94**

Max sends Alex off with three different scribble drawings done in the course of the visit, and when he hugs her goodbye, he plants a sweet kiss on her cheek and mumbles his speech impedimented version of "Love you."

Alex ignores the stupid idiotic lump in her throat and whispers back the requisite, "Love you, too, Max Monster." Because it's just rude to leave a two and a half year old hanging.

Piper smiles and joins in the hug, joking, "Yeah, what he said."

 

* * *

 

 **V** **isit 113**

Alex leaves the visiting room and one of the newer inmates - she's young and intimidated and reminds Alex a little of Piper when she first got there - falls into step beside her.

"Your son's adorable," she says tentatively. "You've got a really beautiful family."

She opens her mouth to correct this, but then just smiles. "Thanks. They really are."

 

* * *

 

**Visit 139**

 

"What you favorite color?"

"Black."

Max giggles a the answer. "No, that not right."

"No? Black doesn't count?"

"Mmm- _mmm_." He shakes his head fervently.

"Okay, red. What's yours?"

"Gween." He picks up a green and a red crayon from the table, then reaches for a purple one, holding the three clenched in his fist. "Mine mommy's is purple."

Alex grins at Piper over the top of Max's head. "Oh, yeah?"

"Mmm-hmmm." He bends over the paper, scribbling with three crayons at once, laughing gleefully at his own work. "See?"

"Super pretty."

He continues to color, and Alex meets Piper's gaze, about to continue whatever conversation they were attempting to have amid Max's endless stream of questions, when suddenly Max asks, "You come home with us?"

Piper and Alex exchange startled looks. "Nope, Max Monster, I gotta stay here, remember? Like really long time out." She rolls her eyes as she always does at Piper's explanation of prison. "Really, _really_ long."

"Mine Mommy says you come home with us."

At that, Alex arches an eyebrow. "Oh, did she?"

Piper's cheeks flush. "I just meant when you, you know..."

Alex smirks. "Get out of time out?"

" _Yes_." Max looks pleased at the idea. "No time out!"

"My thoughts exactly," Alex agrees darkly.

Piper is watching her closely. "Would you not want to?"

"I...I hadn't thought about it."

The muscles in Piper's jaw tighten almost imperceptibly. "Guess that doesn't go with the free fall through life philosophy."

"Pipes. It isn't that. Just...you have a kid. Don't wanna be presumptuous."

Piper rolls her eyes. "A kid I've brought to prison visiting hours once a week for most of his life. And it's not just cause I want him to get in touch with my roots."

Alex doesn't answer. She threads her fingers absently through Max's dark curls.

Piper's eyes soften as she watches. "I'm just saying. I know you aren't much for planning. But you gotta go somewhere."

 

* * *

 

 

**Visit 182**

"You got it ready?"

"Yes, Mommy."

"Okay, hold it up really, _really_ high okay."

"Like this?"

"Perfect, sweetie. But not until you see her, remember?"

"Is it soon?"

"Uh-huh, any time now."

"Someone's coming!"

"It's her, hold it up!"

Alex steps of the visitor's entrance, where Piper and Max are waiting in front of the car, and immediately smiles widely.

"Max Monster, did you make that for me?"

Beaming, he nods, then immediately tosses his handiwork - a decorated sign that reads "Alex" - unceremoniously to the ground and sprints at Alex.

She catches him under the arms and lifts him up to hug, the little boy's legs winding around her waist.

Max pulls back quickly, then makes a silly face like she's trying to trick him. "Alex. These aren't your clothes."

"I get to wear whatever I want now," she tells him, flipping him partially upside down and eliciting a yelp of laughter.

Piper clears her throat loudly. "Feeling left out over here."

Alex grins and puts Max down, kisses the top of his head, then slips her hand into his as they walk over to Piper.

"Hey."

"Hey," Piper answers softly, stepping close and slipping one hand through Alex's hair. She puts her free hand on the top of her son's head. "Hey, baby, why don't you go get buckled in? Get ready to take Alex home."

"Okay! Alex I'm gonna show you my room, alright?"  
"Can't wait, Monster."

The passing side car door slams behind him, and Piper and Alex lean toward each other, kissing greedily, an outburst of _need_ and _want_ , like they can't quite believe all this freedom won't soon be snatched away.

When they pull back to breathe, Piper's forehead tips against Alex's, fingers tracing the skin of her neck. "God, I love you."

"I love you, too..." Alex glances over her shoulder, picking out Max's silhouette through the window, zooming one of his toy cars around like it's an airplane. "What did you tell him?"

"That you're coming to sleepover for awhile since you don't have anywhere else to stay." She hesitates, then adds, "And that we should be extra awesome and fun so you'll want to stay forever."

 

* * *

 

 

**Visit 1,723. Or something like that.**

" _Momma_!"

Alex wakes up exactly half a second before the six year old boy cannonballs on top of her body. She huffs out an unattractive grunting sound, but recovers quickly, kicking her foot against Piper's shin under the covers, yelling dramatically, "Pipes, wake up, there's a monster in the bed!"

"That's nice," Piper mumbles sleepily against her pillow.

 


End file.
